Me a Mom of a preemie

About 4 years ago while I was working with mom at the dr's office.... there was this patient she and her husband would come in once a month for thier visits and were always very delightful and fun to talk too. We would often talk about the weather or what was for dinner that night. My mom would do most of the talking but I would always listen and laugh at what was funny.



On one of their visits they seemed very down, not themselves at all. Very quiet barely saying hello, my mom started the conversation and the woman nearly started to cry. My mom asked what was wrong and she said that her gran daughter had been born extremely premature and that she was only a pound and that she was stable but that they did not know what was to come for their son and daughter and law, and especially the tiny miracle.



She said that there was a website if we wanted to look at to see how little she really was. In the months to come she would come in a always talk about the tiny miracle. I remember the one night going home to checking out the website I started to cry right away because at that time I had a healthy princess of my own and ached for what her parents were going through. I remember telling my mom that I could never do that.... Well I did...



Here I was a mom of a preemie. When I got in the recovery room after the c-section my whole family was in there almost 30 people standing in front of me on Christmas night.... saying that the baby was so cute and he looked like my hubbs, when my brother showed me the picture he just looked like a regular baby with some tubes in him. I mean he had a lot of hair he has all his fingers and toes... he was my little Christmas present. I mean I had my daughter on new years eve and Xander was supposed to be born on St Patty's day. but Christmas it was for him. I had some issues and was on meds that prevented me from going into the NICU



I did not see the baby till 2 days after I had him. The hubbs would spend hours in the NICU every day while I was recovering in the hospital but I still had not seen my baby and I wanted so badly to see him.



When I was wheeled in there I remember the big heavy doors all the monitors, and nurses buzzing all around babies everywhere, the way the parents looked... and then I saw him and I lost it. He was so tiny how was he ever going to make it... I was so mad at myself and my body for failing my son that I so longed for.... we had tried so hard I had gone through so much just to get preggo and now I fail him. I still struggle with that every day that I could not carry him to term.



Why?? Why him? Why Us? Why did my body fail him? Why couldn't I hold him in until 34 weeks. Why is this happening. I still don' t any answers I know that I had a very severe case of Pre-Clampsia and something with my liver, but why me at 25 years old with one healthy pregnancy.... I still have no answers and really don't know where to turn. I struggle with the fact that the plan was 3 but do I risk again? I wish I knew who to talk to or where to go.

Blahh for today.

Walmart sucks ass today

The title is because that is what I am thinking at this very moment. I ordered something and did site to store cause the shipping was like $20 and since I am trying to be an XTREME buget-ter. I decided to do it this way cause it was FREE...

I have been trying to get a LIVE person on the phone all day I started my journey at fucking 10am and now it is almost 430 and I have still not talked to a person.... I have also hung up and called back oh about 8 times.

So... on another note my kids are going to be the death of me... I swear to GOD it is like I just want to come home and sit down and get hugs and kisses and not come home and this is what happens..

Hubtard nearly throws me the baby Kylie is tugging on my leg asking me for the 15 time since I came home what we are doing today and who is coming over. Or she is yelling at me to do something while I am yelling back at her not to yell at me.

Beach... warm sand...fruity acholic beverage... water....sun... where have you been all my life? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU RIGHT NOW>

I need a break, I have been going non-stop since June 1 and I need a BREAK I need a few hours even a fuckin minute to stop and smell the outside summer air. This Sunday we are having the baby's baptism at our house cause thanks to my aunt who offered for me to have it at her house with her big ass yard and in-ground pool. Oh yeah she bailed on me. Now I have to have it at my lil ass house out side, bought a tent, ordered food, get tables and chairs, hope it does not rain. BLAHHH this stress me out

Besides the fact I am leaving work early to take a half day to clean my mother loving house, set stuff up get outfits for the family and make some food.... then Sat we are at parties all god damn day. I am stressed

On and did I tell you I am stressed out... cause I took 2 preggo tests last night and both of them did not have a reading.

DID YOU KNOW I AM STRESSED>

Lip Gloss....

With all the recent events of today and the mis-haps I have been having with our sexual encounters for example.... My birthday sex?? No protection at all we kinda forgot... Condom came off.... and a number of other ones, I mean I don't really want to be pregnant right now my baby is only 7 months for GOD SAKE! But there are so many people out there wanting children and can't.... I should not even mention anything. But if I am I am so be it we will manage.

We may have to purchase a mini-van and another car seat I may even get to live the american dream and be a stay at home mom, don't know how but... like the hubby says we will manage. So tonight is the moment of truth I guess... The only thing that makes me think that I am oh so totally not is that i am not sick AT ALL I mean not an ounce of sick (puking sick that is) threw up the entire time with both kids. But I have not had aunt flow since I stopped nursing almost 3 months ago, but I have always been irregular. I don't know. I am not going to tell ANYONE even if I am except for the people who read this blog will know.

But anyways in my thinking about the fact that I "may" be preggo again I started thinking about when I was first preggo with Xander it was end of summer last year and I was EXTREMELY ILL laying in my bed could not even keep water down. My daughter and dog (maxi-pad) are playing on the floor next to me. All of a sudden I hear a lil voice say this...

Ky to the dog " Max pucker your lips like this"
Ky: No Max like this.
Ky: Max okay you ready

I open my eyes to see my 3 year old putting lip gloss on the dog who already is wearing the pretty pretty princess necklace.

I asked her what she is doing and she proceeds to tell me that "Max really wanted to be a princess today" I kindly explained to her that dog's are not princesses and they can't wear lip gloss.... Oh how I love kids

So there is nothing else new I am just nervous about going home and taking the test..... bitting nails nervously

Oh The Joy..

Just wanted to let everyone know that my crazy lunitic of a Mother in Law made it though her surgery...

Keep in mind this

1. the is CRAZY and I mean CRAZY
2. she had a kindney stone removed it was out patient

So my husband in his attempt to make his mother like him at this point cause for her to love him it is just not in the cards... So he calls her sat to tell her good luck and that he would call on Monday when she got home. She proceeds to ask him what he wants her to leave him in the will. He was taken back and said what are you talking about.

Sidenote... 3-17-04 MIL undergo's major brain surgery and is given a 40% chance of living. She LIVED

She made a living will and power of attny in which she said was required by the hospital. Okay if that was the case then I would for sure had to do that for my outpatient thing last may and for sure for the C-Section I had on X-mas.

So needless to say as we all thought she made it. I texted my SIL the one I acutally like and she was a bitch to me so I just figured let Ben call I give up.

On a lighter note My daughter informed me the other day that I am a bad mom. And so it goes like this we went to Wal-Mart the kids and I with my friend he has twins the whole event was interesting. Xander actually sat in the car seat until the check out you know where i have to take $124 worth of shit on the conveyer. He starts SCREAMING to be held so with one hand holding him I had one had to put the shit up there and the SLOWEST woman on the planet ringing us out.

So you can imagine putting all of that plus 2 kids in the car. I finally 20 minutes later get everything together take a drink of my pop and start for home. Half way down the road I hear this

"Your a Bad Mom"
Me "What did you say"
" I said your a bad mom you forgot to buckle me in"
Me: I am sorry I will pull over in a minute.
Ky: Well you were not paying attn and you forgot and that is very dangerous.

My daughter oh how I love her so proceeds to tell 20 people before the end of the day what I had done.

Lord give me the strength to raise daughters.....

Too Much M.J For Mommy

Okay So... I have not really decided if I think that MJ (Michael Jacko) was a perv or not.. Whatever God forgives RIP whatever else there is to say and what not... But I think the TV coverage needs to STOP

Last Night while watching my fav show Army Wives.... yes I am hooked, I was playing "babies" with my 4 year old. She would buckle the baby in the car seat and then pretend she was leaving and I would say goodbye and she would do it all over again. Well besides that fact she spent the entire day Signing beat it... beat it... just beat it...

All of a sudden she puts on a freakin pick snow mitten she found lord knows where and puts it on her hand she repeats to put the baby in the car seat with the glove still on her hand so I continue watching her and I ask her KyKy what are you doing with that glove on your hand to my surprise her reply is " I am just being like Michael Jackson" at that very moment I nearly pissed myself I could not believe it.... Coming from a child who grew up watching the famous explorer DORA for the first 3 years of her life, and made her parents go broke cause everyone time we would to walmart she would beg for the "newest Dvd" Soo back to my story I mean she grew up singing all the Dora Songs from Turn the Wheel Isa... to I wanna be a big sister.... and she did at times listen to her mommys music she would dance to rap all the time, and feel asleep to Ozzy thanks to my hubbs....BUT never knew Michael or the jackson five or Motown.. but odly she pays too much attention to the damn TV and is rocking the Glove out right now..

She is too much for me sometimes, so now that I feel that this post is all about my baby girl.. I will touch on Xander he is doing sooo great.... There does not appear to be any long term issues he is doing everything at his Corrected age of 3 months... he is though eating solids now and I discovered that they have Mango Flavored baby food now but only at Walmart But I mean it must be better than Pears or Applesauce... right.. but he is still a momma's boy which I LOVE well I guess I better go.... Later peeps