Me a Mom of a preemie

About 4 years ago while I was working with mom at the dr's office.... there was this patient she and her husband would come in once a month for thier visits and were always very delightful and fun to talk too. We would often talk about the weather or what was for dinner that night. My mom would do most of the talking but I would always listen and laugh at what was funny.



On one of their visits they seemed very down, not themselves at all. Very quiet barely saying hello, my mom started the conversation and the woman nearly started to cry. My mom asked what was wrong and she said that her gran daughter had been born extremely premature and that she was only a pound and that she was stable but that they did not know what was to come for their son and daughter and law, and especially the tiny miracle.



She said that there was a website if we wanted to look at to see how little she really was. In the months to come she would come in a always talk about the tiny miracle. I remember the one night going home to checking out the website I started to cry right away because at that time I had a healthy princess of my own and ached for what her parents were going through. I remember telling my mom that I could never do that.... Well I did...



Here I was a mom of a preemie. When I got in the recovery room after the c-section my whole family was in there almost 30 people standing in front of me on Christmas night.... saying that the baby was so cute and he looked like my hubbs, when my brother showed me the picture he just looked like a regular baby with some tubes in him. I mean he had a lot of hair he has all his fingers and toes... he was my little Christmas present. I mean I had my daughter on new years eve and Xander was supposed to be born on St Patty's day. but Christmas it was for him. I had some issues and was on meds that prevented me from going into the NICU



I did not see the baby till 2 days after I had him. The hubbs would spend hours in the NICU every day while I was recovering in the hospital but I still had not seen my baby and I wanted so badly to see him.



When I was wheeled in there I remember the big heavy doors all the monitors, and nurses buzzing all around babies everywhere, the way the parents looked... and then I saw him and I lost it. He was so tiny how was he ever going to make it... I was so mad at myself and my body for failing my son that I so longed for.... we had tried so hard I had gone through so much just to get preggo and now I fail him. I still struggle with that every day that I could not carry him to term.



Why?? Why him? Why Us? Why did my body fail him? Why couldn't I hold him in until 34 weeks. Why is this happening. I still don' t any answers I know that I had a very severe case of Pre-Clampsia and something with my liver, but why me at 25 years old with one healthy pregnancy.... I still have no answers and really don't know where to turn. I struggle with the fact that the plan was 3 but do I risk again? I wish I knew who to talk to or where to go.

Blahh for today.